Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
