my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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