All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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