i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
