Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
