Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
