i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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