I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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