I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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