Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize