half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
