Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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