i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
