u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
operation have a gay friend backfired
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize