my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
