I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We got so high we made milksteak
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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