If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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