the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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