and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
