So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
