apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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