this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
