Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
