A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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