Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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