my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
