When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
