Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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