She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize