I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
