he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize