There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
