so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
