you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize