I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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