I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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