I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
