I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
