hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
