just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
