hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize