I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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