I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize