CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
