I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
