I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
