The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
