but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
