She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
