Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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