I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
