Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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