My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
