mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
