I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
