I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
