that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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